areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please come you make the beer taste better
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
