I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
