i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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