I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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