yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
