sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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