On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
