Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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