It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize