Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
