There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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