Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
