69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
