so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
