Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
