Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
