and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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