Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
