I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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