When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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