Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
