well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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