I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
