can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We were destined to go to rehab together
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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