There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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