Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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