Don't make out with my wife yet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
