I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
