In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize