Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
