Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
