Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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