He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
