2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
