at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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