Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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