She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
