also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
