You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
