drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
