Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
