Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
