i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
