Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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