Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
