Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I could make wine with my vomit
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
