I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
