Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's shark week go big or go home
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize