she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
