you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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