I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just high enough for therapy.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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