the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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