if only i could text you this smell
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
