my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
please don't ironically join a cult
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