I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
