I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
