just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
