Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
