I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Randomize
