remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
