I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
