His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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