She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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