her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize