just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize