"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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