in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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