I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
