just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
