my text book just quoted the cookie monster
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
