I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
