You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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