I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
