I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
